This is the problem. The media, legal system, and majority of the population DON'T doubt that yes means yes. And they DO doubt that no means no. If there's a yes, there's consent. Case closed, no rape. If there's a no, "are you sure you meant it?" This is precisely why 2 out of 3 rapes are unreported. Because at every turn, someone is trying to discredit a victim. Someone is trying to mindfuck a victim into believing their experience wasn't actually rape. "She was wearing slutty clothes, so she must have wanted it. She's had sex with a lot of people, so she must have wanted it. She was wet, so she must have wanted it (or he got hard, so he must have wanted it). They came, so they must have wanted it. She said yes (while intoxicated) so she must have wanted it. She said yes (after he talked her into it) she must have wanted it." This is precisely why only .06% of rapists will ever see jailtime. Because SOMEHOW, the media, legal system, and society doubted their no, or didn't question their yes.And I do think that the media, the legal system and the majority of the population (to come back to the article) would agree to. And that is what I meant when I said who even doubts that yes means yes and no means no.
These were the questions asked of Brock Turners rape victim to try and discredit her in ANY way:
"How old are you? How much do you weigh? What did you eat that day? Well what did you have for dinner? Who made dinner? Did you drink with dinner? No, not even water? When did you drink? How much did you drink? What container did you drink out of? Who gave you the drink? How much do you usually drink? Who dropped you off at this party? At what time? But where exactly? What were you wearing? Why were you going to this party? What’d you do when you got there? Are you sure you did that? But what time did you do that? What does this text mean? Who were you texting? When did you urinate? Where did you urinate? With whom did you urinate outside? Was your phone on silent when your sister called? Do you remember silencing it? Really because on page 53 I’d like to point out that you said it was set to ring. Did you drink in college? You said you were a party animal? How many times did you black out? Did you party at frats? Are you serious with your boyfriend? Are you sexually active with him? When did you start dating? Would you ever cheat? Do you have a history of cheating? What do you mean when you said you wanted to reward him? Do you remember what time you woke up? Were you wearing your cardigan? What color was your cardigan? Do you remember any more from that night? No? Okay, we’ll let Brock fill it in."
Because being unconscious was apparently not enough of a no. And because even the chance that she may have said yes (even intoxicated) would make a juror question whether or not it was "actual" rape.
You're society in this case. Somehow you feel qualified to question and dismiss victim's experiences on the basis that you're right and they're wrong. That. Is. Fucked. You don't get to decide whether a person was raped. You don't get to question the experience of a victim because you're fucking bored and decided to get into an argument on the internet today. This bullshit discussion is a great example of why 27% of victims don't consider their sexual assaults to be "actual" rape. Fuck, in the course of this discussion I even started to question my own rape. I even learned that in my state, my rape doesn't fit the criteria to be an "actual" rape because I was coerced and eventually gave in with a yes. That sure as hell doesn't change the PTSD and trauma that I experienced afterword.I have to admit I dismissed things that rape victims are directly saying to me,
Back to the actual subject of the article, I absolutely love the idea of community based rehabilitation for most rapists. When I was raped, my circle of friends (my community) offered to punish my rapist. We sat around and brainstormed creative punishments all night over a bottle of some kind of organic rhubarb liquor. It was nice. My community made me feel safe and uplifted my spirits at a time of confusion and vulnerability for me. But when it became real and they were all set to enact revenge, I told them not to. I think, mostly because I knew he didn't consider what he did to me rape. I think I was even questioning it at the time. We drove to a secluded area because we actually did want to fool around. But when it got to that point, he told me he didn't have a condom (as he originally assured me, he did). I said no, stop. Instead of stopping, he got on top of me and asked, "do you want me to fuck you?" Again, "no". Again, "do you want me to fuck you?". This same question and answer would continue about 15 more times before I finally just gave in. He finished inside of me, regardless of absolutely no form of birth control and my original reluctance to do it in the first place. When I told him I wasn't on the pill, why would he think that was ok, he told me "well if you get pregnant, I won't be there for you so you better do something". I broke down and finally told my best friend after basically being nonresponsive and uncontrollably crying for a few days. He was ready to kill him. I told him not to. My friends were ready to destroy his life. I told them not to. I just wanted it to go away and stop thinking about it. My friends exiled him without explanation, though he never asked why. I still have a few mutual friends with him. Because they don't know what happened. I'm afraid to tell them because I'm afraid they'll choose him over me. But I never actually considered that he MIGHT realize what he's done. He might be alone with his guilt. He might be dying inside just as much as I am. I never considered that there was any other option to deal with this besides punishment and exile. And that has obviously not helped the situation at all, for me or for him. Even as I type this, dredging up old feelings I've repressed for quite awhile, I'm crying and becoming combative towards the people around me. It's obvious that this trauma is real, regardless of whether or not anyone else considers it an "actual rape" because I consented. But this article has given me a lot to consider. Perhaps now I won't have to live in fear of running into him somewhere. I won't have nightmares of my friends exiling me in favor of my rapist. Perhaps it's possible to create some sort of dialogue within my close community about the experience and "rehabilitate" him, so to speak. Like I said, a lot to consider.
Thank you for sharing this, Hillbilly.