So does anyone have any jokes??

A guy goes to the bar and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.
 
Franny, that is one of my dad's favorite jokes. I made him say it to everyone I was traveling with over the speakerphone when we were in Chicago.
 
How to make a woman happy:
​
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42.dependable
43.passionate
44.compassionate
WITH OUT FORGETTING TO:
45.give her complements regularly
46.love shopping
47.be honest
48.be very rich
49.not stress her out
50.not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51.give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*arrangements she makes





How To Make a Man Happy:

1.be naked
2.bring food
 
Seven wonders of Communism:
1. Everybody was employed
2. Although everybody was employed, nobody was working
3. Although nobody was working, manufacturing efficiency was at 100%
4. Although manufacturing efficiency was at 100%, nothing was made
5. Although nothing was made, everybody got everything
6. Although everybody got everything, everyone was stealing everything
7. Although everyone was stealing everything, everyone had enough of everything.
 
I suppose I should let out some offensive jokes of my own:

What's sticky and white and comes from the sky?
The second coming of Jesus!

Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this (stick your arms out in a crucifixion pose).
 
A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island with a sheep and a sheep dog.
After several months on the island the man gets horny and the sheep starts looking pretty sexy.
The man finally gives in and tries to had sex with the sheep.
But every time he tries, the sheep dog attacks him, trying to protect the sheep.
One day a beautiful woman washes up on the island.
She's very sick, but the man nurses her back to health.
When the beautiful woman finally regains her health she starts getting horny.
She tells the man, seductively, that she will do anything to repay him for nursing her back to health... emphasizing Anything.
He looks her in the eye and says...

"Will you just hold that damn Dog???!!!"
 
what do you get when you cross a penis and a potato
a dictator

how do you play a prank on hellen keller
leave the plunger in the toilet
how can you tell when a crusty girls on her rag
shes missing a sock

if there a building with 3 stories
the first level has punks
2nd has hippies
and 3rd has skins
who would survive ina earthquake?
skins because they'd be at work

how does jesus bite his nails?
*action*
start bitng your palms

and last but not least
womens rights

;]
 
well damn then i take it back...and replace it with.....

so a little boy with a dead frog on a string walks into a whore house and proceeds to the counter...ms lady he says...i would like yer most disease riddin whore...how old are you young man she asks...the boy slaps down a hundred dollars...we dont have any women here like that even if you were old enough...he slaps down another 2 hundred dollars...is yer father here where is he...5 houndred ontop of that...is this a sting she looks around...3 hound more the boy sets down...room 5...later as the boy heads out the lady asks little boy whyd ya want all those diseases...well ya see now ill go home and screw my babysitter and shell screw my dad and my dad will screw my mom and my mom will screw the mailman and hes the mother fucker who ran over my frog...
 
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